Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

taking June’s advice to heart

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]

Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING