Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

Britain be like

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol