Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
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Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist