Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.