Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

ME (calling my horse with no name):

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop