Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

did it work

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

Watermelon Boss!

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad