Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
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Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
The internet is full of many things
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Flock of bats
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.