Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
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Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I am absolutely never leaving this website
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
What an awful time to have common sense.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
We need more people like this.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to