Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
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Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
A tragic love story in two pictures.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
THE AUDACITY. 😤
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice