Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

selfie game

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

I’ve been drinking.