Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
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Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.