Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
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Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.