Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

I hate my earbuds.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

I have written yet another poem about laundry

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded