Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
✌️
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call