Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

Owl Sanctuary

This 4th of July, please remember…

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.