Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war