Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

I’d … I’d rather not.

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

They’re stuck in your pants?

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.