Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
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[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Strangers have the best candy.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
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i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)