Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
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Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.