Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
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*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Born to be mild.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Make new friends? bro out of what?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps