Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
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[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
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My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.