Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
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Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
💻🤡
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini