Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
You Might Also Like
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
I’m not lazy