Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
me when i smell free food in the break room
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
