Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
You Might Also Like
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.