Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
