Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
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men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.