Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

Always 🥴

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.