Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.