Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

Voting for coroner

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play