Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

I ate everything, including the H.

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea