Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

At an art museum and I thought this was art

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

this chia pet tastes awful

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

this is the kind of friend i am

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats