Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from