Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
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‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Children of the corn 🌽
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Me trying to reach for my goals
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.