Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.