Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
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Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????