Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
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I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard