Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
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ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
good morning
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.