Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
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People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.