Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
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every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.