Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

You saw nothing. I am ham.

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.