Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

if a cop pulls u over play dead

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.