DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
You Might Also Like
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
A small tragedy.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
it must be school picture day
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea