Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

With this onion ring, I thee fed

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work