DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
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Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
no such thing as a dumb question
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.