Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

i did the math

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

The Others (2001)

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer