Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

when you are just born a rebel

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.