DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
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When they try to steal your moment.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
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google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off
people do NOT like that joke
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
#winning
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Asking me “what are you wearing” at night will never work out the way you want it to unless you’ve been aching to hear the words “Def Leppard pajamas”.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store