Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

The Punning Dead.

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.