Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
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MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I wish this was real life…
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”