Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.