Husband: Have you lost weight?
Me: About 10 lbs
H: Who you trying to look good for? *wink
M: You don’t know him. He’s on Twitter…
DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning
BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead
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I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
-Octopus preparing for a fight