I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
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Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen