@drknstormynite

DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning

BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead

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@nagunnatelya

Husband: Have you lost weight?

Me: About 10 lbs

H: Who you trying to look good for? *wink

M: You don’t know him. He’s on Twitter…

@WomensHumor

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

@trevso_electric

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”

@prufrockluvsong

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

@nbadag

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

@Fred_Delicious

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

@TheTweetOfGod

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

@daddydoubts

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

@Death_Buddy

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight