Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.

Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

trivia

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.