Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*