doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
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Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
oh u like history? name everything that happened