Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.