doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

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[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick


Learning spanish is bloody hard. I wish the english had conquered more of the world, I’m suffering from their laziness


Cinderella, but the Prince is searching for the maiden who matches the glass thigh gap.


Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.


[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex


5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff


Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?


Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”


Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”