@TheHatStore

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

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@david8hughes

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

@AlfKilledMyCat

Learning spanish is bloody hard. I wish the english had conquered more of the world, I’m suffering from their laziness

@markhoppus

Cinderella, but the Prince is searching for the maiden who matches the glass thigh gap.

@JohnLyonTweets

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

@House_Feminist

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

@Cpin42

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

@iMonkGreen

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

@UncleDuke1969

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

@Darlainky

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”