doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
You Might Also Like
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.