doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
This is I, Robot all over again
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
peak technology
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…