@drhappyknuckles

DOCTOR: Ted, you’re dying.

PATIENT: My name isn’t Ted.

DOCTOR (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.

You Might Also Like

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

@dongfuture

*stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe

*takes off shoe, shakes it upside down*

*Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*

@RobDenBleyker

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

@Brianhopecomedy

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

@Daveastated

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

@SkinnerSteven

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

@mstluvstrinkets

I like to slip a Honey Boo Boo episode in every once in awhile to remind my husband that it could be worse.