DOCTOR: Ted, you’re dying.

PATIENT: My name isn’t Ted.

DOCTOR (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.

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Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.


*stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe

*takes off shoe, shakes it upside down*

*Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*


Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.


A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?


Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.


JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”


I like to slip a Honey Boo Boo episode in every once in awhile to remind my husband that it could be worse.