Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
DOCTOR: Ted, you’re dying.
PATIENT: My name isn’t Ted.
DOCTOR (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.
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*stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe
*takes off shoe, shakes it upside down*
*Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Not to 1up you but *drops green mushroom on your head*
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I like to slip a Honey Boo Boo episode in every once in awhile to remind my husband that it could be worse.