I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
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I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
#SaturdayBears
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid