Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
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I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Me trying to look natural in photos
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.