Doctor: Ted, you’re dying,

Patient: My name’s not Ted.

Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.

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🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶


My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff


I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up


I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.


[Showing a friend around the house]

Me: And THIS is where my 5 yr old eats his popcorn.

*motions to area covered in popcorn.


After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:

“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.


Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.


Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone


[if trump wins somehow]
alien: “i said take me to your leader”
me: “dude i swear this is him”