@drhappyknuckles

Doctor: Ted, you’re dying,

Patient: My name’s not Ted.

Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.

You Might Also Like

@PinkCamoTO

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

@sofarrsogud

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

@Mytwoscentz

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

@weinerdog4life

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

@jergarl

[Showing a friend around the house]

Me: And THIS is where my 5 yr old eats his popcorn.

*motions to area covered in popcorn.

@copymama

After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:

“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

@LuvPug

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

@KeetPotato

[if trump wins somehow]
alien: “i said take me to your leader”
me: “dude i swear this is him”