Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*