Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
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Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
Breaking news:
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Happy thanksgiving!
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
doing some research
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
