Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

Is….Is this an option?

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary