‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
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yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Sorry I borrowed your duck lips to pull a dent out of my car.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away