@howe007

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

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@MarfSalvador

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

@TweetPotato314

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

@NYC_Blonde

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

@OhNoSheTwitnt

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

@dougbies

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

@_Kim_Jongun

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.