“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
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Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.