Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
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TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
A man of commitment.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.