Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

Now, where’s the sport in that?

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

👍

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.