Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
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“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Joseph Smith, 1833
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.