Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
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Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”