Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
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It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
smh
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
How and why my FUR ROOM exists