Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

This chloroform smells expensiv…

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

This is enough internet for the day.

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

saw this in a dream

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that