Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

My circle of trust is a meatball

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?

My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

new dr. seuss book dropping:

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.